If you don’t have a pair of THOSE JEANS, then you’ve at least heard of them right???
You know which ones I’m talking about…
Often referred to as the ‘skinny jeans’,
These are the jeans that we hang onto for years hoping that ONE DAY we will fit into them again. There are lots of reasons we hang onto said jeans;
– we have happy memories in these jeans,
– a bestie bought us the jeans,
– they FIT just right (when they fit),
– a honey told us how great we looked in those jeans…
Really, the reasons are countless.
Well, I just came head to head with MY pair of “skinny” jeans…
Before I go on, I think it is important that I tell you a little about my special relationship with jeans in general –>
First, I LOVE jeans… I’d rather put on a good, comfy pair of jeans, a hoodie and flip flops more than anything else in the world- even yoga clothes! Yup, that’s a true story!
Second, I have a pair of jeans in my closet that I wear at least weekly (they are my ‘go to’ comfort jeans) that I’ve had for well over 15 years- they’ve moved with me to EVERY state we’ve lived in, they are almost thread thin and have more then a few holes!
I may get as attached to jeans as I do people-
ashamedly, maybe even more so…
And, Third, as might be obvious from the previous statement, though I’ve had 6 kids and gained and lost well over 300 pounds through said pregnancies, my size and shape has remained pretty consistent.
I LOVE jeans, I WEAR jeans, I KEEP jeans!
I was spending some time with Kriya Yoga- cleaning up and clearing out my physical spaces to open up and free up my emotional and mental spaces
…. And I came upon MY skinny jeans;
Jeans I paid WAY more $$$ than I normally do,
Jeans that fit great and (according to a good friend) were flattering!
Jeans that I bought RIGHT after I had finished a cleanse in an attempt to get off some pretty intense meds.
I was pretty thin and feeling awesome,
BUT eating very little of the foods that I love and often claim addiction too. Needless to say, though I had accomplished my goal of reducing my meds, I was feeling pretty deprived in my dietary choices. It probably didn’t help that I did all this during the busy fall & winter holiday season. In hindsight, I remember feeling like there was a lot of food I was giving up. Inadvertently, I had associated my size (and by default, the jeans) to a time of sacrifice in my food and personal habits.
I wore these jeans once, ONCE!
The second time I put them on, they felt tight… I don’t even remember why. In response to the tight fit, I filed these jeans away as my “skinny jeans” and determined to get back into these jeans,
For SIX years, I kept those jeans in my closet.
For SIX years- those jeans moved with us to two states and in and out of four houses!
Through it all, each time I moved the jeans I considered trying them on just to see how ‘close’ I was to wearing them again. Each time, I opted to spare myself the shame and frustration of how tight they might be, so I returned them to their dusty hanger in the closet.
In an effort to be true to Kriya, I faced these jeans head on for the final showdown! I was hanging onto a lot of emotional baggage with these jeans and, intentional or not, I heard a lot of negative mind chatter each time I SAW them in my closet.
I determined to try them on and accept whatever companionship fate the jeans and I were destined to. Because I am NOT CURRENTLY hyper-monitoring my food intake AND my fitness regime is almost exclusively yoga AND I feel quite the opposite of ‘deprived’, I had high expectations that these jeans would NOT even come close to fitting. I was prepared to bid adieu once and for all!
The first shock came when I pulled the jeans up past my knees- I’m telling you I had LOW expectations!
Another shock came when I got the pants past my thighs, a third when those jeans made it past my buttocks and the final shocker came when the zipper went up with ease.
Now you might be thinking, where in the heck is the drama and the lesson in this parable! Who doesn’t want THOSE JEANS to fit? It means we did it, we got INTO those elusive ‘Skinny Jeans’-
But the drama and what it meant to me was not that I GOT IN them, but I’d been able to do it for, I don’t even know how long, and had not even known it!
I cannot begin to count the number of times that I had looked at these jeans and beaten myself up that I no longer possessed the level of self control that got me into those jeans and into that waist size.
Somehow, these jeans had held me in a trance and illusion of this “perfect” body THAT was tied only to sacrifice, great deprivation and exclusion of some of the things I love most!
My grandmother used to accuse me of wishing my life away, skipping so far ahead of the game of life that I forgot to live in the here and now. I honestly thought I’d gotten over that habit, but these jeans smacked me with a big dose of reality that the joy of the “Now” can be ever elusive if not carefully monitored. It doesn’t matter whether it is a memory of the past or a vision of the future, if it’s not joy for what is right here and right now, it is a trap that ensnares!
So, you may be wondering, what became of my skinny jeans??
Well, you might want to know that after SIX years, they are really out of style
and in all honest, this little “clean the closet” adventure made me MAD, like screaming MAD!
As a result, those jeans got themselves taken to the donation pile along with my expectations of some future time where I will be a perfect size, shape, and age…
Kriya Yoga is basically clearing out our current environment of obstacles and false beliefs in an effort to open the door for growth and experience. In many ways, these jeans carried a lot of baggage- more than the space they took up in my closet. By letting go of these jeans, I got rid of the baggage that bound me to false beliefs and attitudes and cleared the negative mind clutter that had begun to shackle me to my weaknesses. As a result, I made room for the who, what, where, and why of my life today… In this moment, in this very breath! It was a wonderful lesson…
What are you holding on to that may be holding YOU back or holding you down?